Looking for relief

I'm struggling.

When all my smiles and attempts at a happy facade come down, things are really hard right now. Money is tight, the holidays are hard, and I find myself crying more than I want to most days. I know my post partum depression is a huge part of the difficulties I face everyday, but sometimes I feel like I'm making excuses by blaming my struggles on PPD.

To be honest, I'm struggling to set boundaries for myself. I find myself constantly trying to fit in more things than I need or want to do, but then I tell myself that it IS something I want, so I do it anyway. Recently I found myself angry and crying and taking it all out on Will (or at least telling him everything I was feeling or had ever felt) and I realize now the situation was partially my fault. I could have avoided a lot of the problem by leaving a troublesome (for me) situation before things got out of hand, instead of staying. I know that's kinda vague, but I have reasons. It wasn't Will's fault at all, he was just there to help pick up the pieces (I married an angel!).

Then again, maybe it's not my fault at all.

In some parts of my life I've been amazing at setting boundaries, and sticking to them. However, when it comes to areas of my life that are more emotionally tied, I can't figure out how to see what I really need and how to get what I want and need. And without knowing what I really need, it's impossible to set boundaries.

Right now I find myself caught between a rock and a hard place. I want one thing, but I find myself getting hurt and walked all over when I go try to enjoy what I want. (By the way, what I want is totally reasonable and right... I just can't be more specific for personal reasons.) But if I don't go for what I want, I end up feeling sad and mean and empty.

I just want something to go right. I want to find a reasonable solution. I want to find a renter for our basement. I want to be able to have a nice Christmas for my baby. I want to be myself again. I want to raise a happy healthy child. I want to be able to sleep again (no it's not all Eva's fault, I am a night-time worrier).

I want to be happy.

I'm lazy, and I know it!

I could blame my lack of posting on so many things... but to be honest, I haven't felt like it. I have been truly unmotivated lately, partly due to circumstances, partly due to my post-partum depression, and partly due to laziness.

Anyway, I've uploaded pictures now, and that should make you all happy! Right?

This is me post op. I had a ganglion cyst removed from my wrist. Not fun, but glad it's done, and even more glad the insurance paid for every last cent of the surgery.

This is Eva sitting all by herself in a grocery cart. She is great at sitting, and is trying with all her might to crawl now. So cute. She looks goofy when she does it, but she is getting more and more mobile.

Hi!
We love this dress from Maryann. It's beautiful, and it brings out Eva's beautiful blue eyes. I'll post a better picture of the dress soon.

These are our Halloween costumes. I spent a few hours with the sewing machine and scissors. I wish I'd taken care of them before surgery, but we ended up with the flu, and so the costumes happened post surgery.

Close up of my cute peanut butter cup.

She is earning her keep... or at least enough candy to hold us and all our friends over until Christmas. :)

First swing ride.

Leaves and adorable gold shoes. Diane would be proud. :)

Eva loves leaves, Hannah loves the camera.

Not perfect, but it's our first family photo. :)

So there's your update for now. We have lots of family coming in for Thanksgiving. If anyone knows someone who needs an apartment in Provo, our basement is for rent, email me for more info. My baby is adorable. The sky is blue. And I can't think of anymore random things to say at the end of this post... so I guess I'm done for now. :)

I can't think of a clever title

I've been meaning to update for a while, and I've been trying to think of some clever title to tell you all about what we've been doing, but nothing is coming to mind. So here's a short synopsis.



1. We were right about Eva teething... she was/is teething, and I think I might be going a little crazy too. She's working on #6 right now, and she gets grumpy when she's teething. Hence the reason I haven't updated in a while.



2. We took the shortest trip to California. Drove Friday, were there Saturday for a graduation and Will's 10 year HS reunion, and drove home Sunday. Fun, but crazy.



3. We cut Eva's bangs, and they're adorable. She's also started on solids, and the digestive ramifications of that change in her diet are not enjoyable.



4. We all got sick this week. I think any day now we'll start oinking. We don't know for sure that it's the H1N1 flu, but that's all the doctor said they've seen, and since the treatment for either strain is the same, they don't do the super expensive test.



5. I'm having surgery tomorrow on my wrist. I have a ganglion cyst (a pocket of fluid on a tendon or a joint) on my right wrist and it is pretty uncomfortable. I had one removed 3 years ago from the same spot (rate of recurrence after surgery is only 10%, I love being the odd 10%... I'm being sarcastic of course), and now it's back, so I'm getting it removed. I would wait, but it's not comfy, and since we've met all our deductible and max out of pocket amounts for our insurance, the surgery is free.



6. We're trying to decide what to do about med school. Things aren't going well, and it's hard to think about pouring more and more money into an endeavor we don't know the end to. We've been praying and fasting and we think we have an answer, but I'll let Will do a post about that in the near future.



Other than the above, things have been going alright. So I'll let you peruse through the cute pictures and video that follow!

This is our baby bird. She's a great eater, except she has a tendency to talk with her mouth full. By the way, a child trying to say the "B" sound can spit food EVERYWHERE!

Eva finally sleeping at 9 am the morning after we spent a night camping. We won't be trying that again any time soon, especially when she's teething. She popped out tooth #3 this day.

I love this picture of Eva, she's so happy, and you can see her cute bangs. We just cut them again yesterday... they were all the way past her eyebrows again.

We call this Eva's engagement photo. She's with Treson, who we will lovingly accept as our son-in-law after he goes on a mission, and promises to take good care of our little girl! :)

Eva-lou-who. This is post pigtail hair.

Eva the Nun. We love this bib, but sometimes it's a little hard to get off.

Eva loves her daddy!

So happy!

If you look closely, you can see her 2 bottom teeth. I still need to get a good picture of all her teeth... the problem is, now that she has teeth, she bites!

Eva and me in Grandma & Grandpa H's pool. It felt warm to the adults, but she was a little cold.

She loved it though!

Will is going to kill me when he see's I've posted this picture. It's too funny though!

This is Eva getting her first haircut. She wasn't very happy, can you tell? :)

Well... that will be the last post for a while... maybe I'll have Will post for me soon, though. I just won't be able to use my hand for a while. We'll see how things go. Wish me luck!

They're coming!

Now I'm sure she's teething. This is a big change from just a few days ago.

Two little white nubby teeth under her gums!

Outlined, just in case you couldn't see them.

Here's a cute picture of Eva in her overalls. She looks so grown up.

She's sitting on my lap right now and wanting to help type. Here's what she has to say.

bnijk jl jjk, kkkkkkkkkk7bvyh bnb nii j hk nb

She likes the space bar a lot too, but blogger took out the spaces when I posted. :(

Overacheiver

This is Eva when she was little... really little. She was 6 weeks old and had only just barely regained her birth weight. She scared me then that she wasn't going to be healthy, or that she would be behind in her milestones.

6 weeks old at Daddy's graduation!

She's not behind at all.

I took this picture on Monday, and isn't she cute!

She'll be 5 months old next Thursday, and when we went to the pediatrician for her 4 month checkup he went through the basic battery of questions.

Dr. F: Is she laughing?
Me: Yes... not on command or anything, but she laughs.
Dr. F: Does she coo and goo?
Me: More like screeching or a wookie mating call, but yes, she talks.
Dr. F: Does she push up when she's on her belly?
Me: Just like an army guy.
Dr. F: Does she roll over?
Me: Yes. She started rolling over from tummy to back in late June, and she's been rolling from back to tummy (only to her right, though), for the last couple of weeks.
Dr. F: Well, that's way ahead of the curve on rolling. She's doing great. Do you have any questions for me?
Me: Yeah, what's up with all the drool? Is she teething?
Dr. F: Probably not. Most babies get their teeth between 7 and 10 months, give or take 4 months.
Me (silently): What the heck? Give or take 4 months. Basically you have no idea when she'll get teeth?... wait... he's still talking.
Dr. F (continuing): They like to chew and gnaw on everything, suck on their fists, pick up things from the floor and chew on them.... blah blah... safety stuff... blah blah... don't let her eat random stuff... (learned that one from her cousin Ryan, he likes tin foil, watch batteries, and long walks on the beach)... blah blah... don't leave her unattended on high surfaces...

Anyway, he went on for a while (and don't worry, I was listening, but it doesn't really apply to this blog post).

What he didn't do was look in her mouth.

Even if he did, he may not have seen what we can feel... hard, knobby, ouchy things. I started wondering if she was teething a while back when she started biting. You know what I mean. She bites her toys and things, but I don't really care about that. I care about when she bites ME! And I'm not talking about biting my fingers. You get the idea.

Anyway, the last few days she hasn't been sleeping well. I used to have this great sleeper for a baby. 8 or 9 hours at night, and 2 or 3 naps somewhere between 1 and 3 hours each.

Not anymore!

She wakes up at least once a night, whether to fuss or feed, it doesn't matter. I'm awake, it's usually sometime between midnight and 4 am sometime, and I'd rather be sleeping. And her naps during the day are usually 30 minutes to an hour if she's by herself in her swing (never flat on her back in her bassinet), and maybe 2 hours if I'm holding her.

I thought it was all related to this crazy cough she so selflessly shared with me (went well with my broken toe, and my ingrown toenail last week. I was going to dedicate an entire blog post to the worst week ever, but that will have to wait). I thought that was what it was until I was at the store today. Eva was fussing in her carseat in the cart and I pulled up next to her in my electric granny cart (thanks to the toes on my left foot) and started playing with her and she took my finger into her mouth and bit me. Not too hard, but hard enough that I thought I'd feel her gums a little to see if anything was going on.

Here's her gums, can you see any tooth buds?

By the way, Getting a picture of a 5 month old's gums is harder than you think.

What I felt was hard, knobby, ouchy things. And as soon as I starting pushing on her gums, she chewed on my finger all the more. Please tell me my baby isn't teething! I love her gummy little smile! I love that even when she does bite me, she has no chance of drawing blood.... teeth could change that.

Then again... I love that she's getting bigger. It's bittersweet. She's not my tiny baby anymore who I could hold endlessly (because she was tiny, and she slept all the time, and she wasn't nearly as strong as she is now). But it's also so nice to see her learn new things, and really become a little person all her own. She has her quirks (she twirls her hair like Uncle Mark, she likes to suck on her thumb and first finger, and she frequently squeals and squeaks and gurgles) and she has things that make me crazy (screeching nonstop, the constant drooling, not sleeping) but she's mine and she's amazing.

ouch

I've been meaning to post pictures from our trip to California. We got back on Sunday night, and the plan was to post today or tomorrow. But that hasn't happened yet, and it probably won't for a few days. I'm using our laptop which is old and decrepit because it hurts to walk to the regular computer. Why does it hurt, you ask? Because I have a fracture to my fifth proximal phalanx. In layman's terms, I broke my pinky toe.

How did I manage such a feat, you may wonder? I stubbed it on the corner of the wall while trying to get to Eva because she was crying. The sound of a toe breaking is a special sound. I've never broken a bone before, but I knew it was broken as soon as it happened.

I'll be posting pictures from California soon, but until then, enjoy these pictures from today. Or don't look... I understand it's kinda gross.

Normally my pinky toe lines up with all my other toes.

The arrow is pointing at the break.

I drew a line over the break for your viewing pleasure.

The doctor at the Instacare laughed when I told him I wanted a picture of my x-rays for my blog.

For those who are still reading... no cast, just "buddy taping" where they taped my pinky toe to the next toe. 2-4 weeks of that, and then hopefully it will be nearly healed. The doctor did say it will probably hurt for about a week. Too bad the only thing he told me to take was tylenol and ibprofen... it's not doing much for me.

His hand in my life...

This weekend has been rough. We had another flood in our basement, which is where my sister lives. When I say another... I mean the fourth in 3 1/2 years. None of them were our fault (2 water heater issues, 1 window well that overflowed from a massive storm, and this was an overactive defrost cycle with a clogged pipe in an old refrigerator/freezer), but we feel bad when things go wrong, and to be honest, home ownership is not all it's cracked up to be sometimes. On top of it all, Will and I had been talking about our finances before this all happened, and talking about where we can cut back to make things a little easier in these tough economic times. A flood is not a place to cut back... it is a giant budget sucker, and our stress levels only rose. Thanks to the generosity and help of family, it has been taken care of, but in the process of trying to figure things out I asked Will if we could pray together.

As I sat and listened to his voice, strong and powerful, praying for our little family, I realized how blessed I am in my life. I have a wonderful husband who is everything to me. I have a beautiful daughter who reminds me that miracles happen. And I have a testimony that God has his hand in my life every day. As Will was finishing our prayer, he paused for a bit. I wondered what he was thinking, and I could feel that the spirit was strong. He then opened a fast. I haven't been able to fast for a while since I was pregnant and now I'm breastfeeding, so I appreciated his ability to fast for our family and for the things we need. He closed the prayer, and throughout the next 24 hours I prayed constantly that the Lord would help Will be strong, and that things would work out. I was amazed at Will's strength. He did hours of cleanup work without anything to eat, and yet he was strong and helped me to get through it all emotionally.

Today I have seen our prayers answered in a very real way. I have a client who is coming today to purchase some things from her photo shoot over a year ago. I had another client contact me so she could pay an overdue invoice. And then a little while ago, Will called. He asked if I needed the car tomorrow. I told him I didn't think so, but that I had an appointment after he got off work. He said he needed it so he could move the things in his desk back to his old office.

For the last month or so, we've been hearing word from his supervisor that there was a chance he'd be moving back to his old office. About the time Eva was born he had to move to a new building which doubled his commute... not our idea of fun. It was hard to have him commute so far. Then today he was offered a new position at the old building, and a pay increase. It was such an answer to prayer, that all I could do was cry. When we got off the phone, I had to stop what I was doing and thank my Father in Heaven for the blessings he sent when we needed it most.

I've often found that when life is the most difficult, Heavenly Father has the most to teach me. Frequently that lesson is learned through struggling, turning to Him, and then trusting He will take care of me. That's exactly how it worked this weekend, and to be totally honest, I'm grateful for the experience. Although, I'm not going to be asking to clean up a flood again any time soon!

Catching up

I've been really bad about blogging lately. I said I'd post an update with pictures, so here it goes. There are lots of pictures, so I'll try and keep your attention by keeping the word count down.

This is Will and our friend Fred. As they were lining up for graduation they happened to find each other, and walked in together.

This is us after Will was all gradumatated... Go Will! By the way, Eva is wearing a gown as well, and she was able to "walk" with Will. It was cute. I have a video, but I didn't post it.

This is just after Eva's baby blessing. She was hungry... thus the unhappy face.

To celebrate, we all had a picnic. Too bad Mother Nature didn't get the memo. She gave us lots and lots of cold weather and rain.

These are all my sisters and my mom. Note the funny red hands.

Will and Eva taking a nap. They kinda match.

Eva in a super cute onesie someone made for us at one of my baby showers. We'd also done her hair that day, and it was curly and cute. Note... it's strange to try and figure out what hair products you can use on an infant.

Eva and her "boyfriend" Treson. I wish we'd gotten a picture this weekend of him giving her a kiss. So cute.

Eva and Gabe. Gabe's mom and dad, Heather and Archie, were in our prenatal class. Gabe is huge compared to my tiny baby.

On June 13th our ward hosted a 5k walk/run. We obviously walked. Here's Will and Eva. Will was kind enough to let me beat him... by about 6 seconds.

Here's our walking buddies, Jared & Shannon. Shannon is due July 9th (I think) with a little boy. He (the baby) beat her to the finish line. She and I tied.

I was really tired, and hot. You should see the blisters on my feet. I'm trying to get back to myself after months and months of bedrest and recovery. A few more 5k walks would do me some good. It was lots of fun. I'll get new shoes, though, before the next one.

My brother Mark and his wife Ellie, as well as their cute kids, Griffin & Sylvie, came to Utah to go to Aspen Grove Family Camp with Ellie's family. They stopped by our place on the way. Can't you see the cousin love? (Don't squeeze any tighter, Fin... Eva needs to breathe.)

Sylvie looks like a giant compared to Eva. They sat and poked each other for a while, and had a great time.

This picture has nothing to do with anything else, except for the fact that Will and I find the illustrations hilarious.

I made a cake for Father's Day, and one for a get together with Tre's parents, but the one for our get together had some issues. We call it the Earthquake Cake. Tasted great, but not very stable.

Here's a video of Eva wishing Will a Happy Father's Day on Sunday morning.

I can't think of much else that has been happening here, and now you've had the update. If you're still reading, thanks! I'll try and make the next few posts closer together, but I'm not promising anything.

Rockabye Baby!

Look what I found on iTunes today.

Is it weird that I want it?

busy

Things in my neck of the woods have been kinda busy. It started when I had a baby. Then I got an infection after my c-section. Then I got post partum depression. Then I got a kidney infection. Then we had 25 family members come to town. Then Will graduated. Then we blessed our baby at church. Then everyone went home. Then my post partum meds kicked in. Then I loved my baby even more. And now I'm posting a cute video.

I'll update with pictures of most of the above activities later. But not the infections. That'd be weird.

There's your problem!

What happens when you mix a 1 month old (with no manual dexterity), long hair, abnormally long arms, and a grasping reflex?
This face. (Well not this one particularly, this is just an example. I was too busy prying her fingers from the hair on the back of her head to take a picture)

I knew it might happen sometime, but I didn't expect it to be so funny to watch my baby pull her own hair and then cry. A little sad, but pretty funny too.