Lost and found

Recently I ran into my bishop (church leader) from my freshman college ward (congregation). I recognized him immediately, though I could not place his face. We reacquainted ourselves and over the last few days on Facebook many of the members of our ward are reconnecting. It has been so exciting for me to find these friends again and terrifying at the same time.

You see, I look DRASTICALLY different than I did in college. I was much thinner my freshman year. Before I was was diagnosed with PCOS and before infertility and before marriage and before babies. As I have reflected on all the changes in the nearly 15 years since then I realize I have lost and found so many things.

I have found more weight, but lost my insecurity (about me as a person).

I have found the love of my life and complete love in our little family, and lost the self loathing I used to feel.

I have found myself, and lost my need for others' approval.

I have lost my selfish nature, but found selflessness through parenthood.

I have found my way, by losing my way and then letting God lead the way.

And now, as all these thoughts race through my head, I wonder. I wonder if others will see all that I have lost and found, or if they will only see the physical changes. And for a moment, I panic.

I am instantly that scared, insecure, lost freshman again.

And then my years of finding myself come back to me, through the Lord's gentle whispers.

"You are found. You are mine. I know how you've changed on the inside. I have molded you and I know you. I love you."

And I know that nothing else matters. I was lost. But not anymore.